Why Listening Leads to Better Communication

I want to break this down for you. According to the textbook (Beebe, Beebe, & Ivy, 2022), I used to teach in my Human Communication course we spend 55% of our day listening. But think about this, we spend more than half of our day listening, and we were never taught how to properly listen. We take classes in writing, reading, and speaking, but the communication skill we do the most, we have never received formal education in. In some ways, it’s not our fault that we don’t listen well. Luckily, it is a skill, which means we can improve listening skills by practicing them.

Many years ago, I had a boss who was a terrible listener. We would have meetings and I would explain situations, problems, ideas, etc., and I would diligently take notes and leave these meetings thinking we had a plan we agreed on. I would begin to execute the plan, and a couple of weeks in, I would get a berating email, phone call, office visit, or voicemail asking me questions about what I was doing and why. I was obviously confused because we met and discussed the plan, and they agreed. Why did they seem to have no memory of this? The more this happened—and it happened a lot—I realized they were not listening when I spoke to them. It was clear they were going through the motions and their head was somewhere else. I was the least important person to them at that moment, or at least it felt that way.

The fastest way to make someone feel undervalued is by not listening to them. This created many problems because this was a common experience for everyone who worked for this person. This lack of listening created tension and chaos and almost the demise of the business unit. No one knew what they were doing or if what they were doing was correct or approved, and it made us all start questioning our own sanity. “Did I interpret that correctly? They approved it right? Did I make that up?” Questions that the entire staff asked themselves daily. Not only did this almost destroy the business unit, but it also killed the morale, culture, and camaraderie that was once so strong. Lucky for us, this person’s stint as boss was short-lived, but it taught us all some very valuable lessons in listening and also how to work with a boss or manager who is not a good listener.

When I think back to that time, there are things my boss could have done to improve their listening skills. And it does not require a Ph.D. in communication to do these things. Small steps would have made this person a much better and more effective leader, and who knows, maybe they would still be working at the organization. Here are simple things you can do to avoid being my ex-boss.

Step one is simple, STOP what you are doing and FOCUS. When someone needs to talk with you or when you are in a meeting, put your phone away, silence your email, remove distractions, and show the person or people in the room you are engaged in the conversation. We are so easily distracted by texts, emails, slack messages, etc., and this causes us to not listen well. If you are in the middle of something, tell them, “Give me a few minutes so I can finish this email” or give them a time to come back when you will be able to give them the attention they deserve. Obviously, if someone comes into your office in distress, you might want to stop what you are doing at that moment and prioritize them. Read the room and the person, and pay attention to their nonverbal behavior.

The second step is also easy. LOOK at them and/or give them your FULL ATTENTION. Remind yourself that you are there to understand them, not respond to them. Make eye contact if you are meeting in person, suggest a video call if possible, and if it has to happen via the phone, it will be even more important that you remove the distractions so you can pay closer attention to their tone of voice to pick up on nonverbal cues you would normally see from providing them eye contact.

And here is the final step, are you ready? It’s a big one. LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND. Come on, you had to have guessed that was coming. As mentioned above, your goal is to gain understanding. You should not respond until you truly have a handle on what they are talking about and feeling. Communication involves both content and emotion. We often forget about the emotional part when listening (guilty as charged, and I have a Ph.D. in this stuff). And I get it, we are all busy, but taking the time to truly listen and understand someone will save you so much time in the long run. When listening, it is about finding ways to clarify the meaning. You do this by asking clarifying questions and paraphrasing. You can ask questions that ensure you understand the details, the series of events, and how they are feeling. You can clarify by paraphrasing back to them what you think they are saying and feeling. I know this sounds a little warm and fuzzy, but I promise, it is much more natural at that moment. All you are doing is learning, so treat it the same way you would when learning anything. Ask genuine questions and follow up with paraphrasing.

Now, I know some of you out there are thinking, “I don’t care about their feelings” or “OMG I am not a therapist.” Those things may be true. But as you practice these skills more, you learn how to effectively ask the right questions and create a supportive culture that matches your style. Let’s be honest, our lives would be much easier if everyone would give a little more shit about the people around them. Can you at least commit to caring just a little bit more?

Also, you should have boundaries, and you will learn quickly how to manage those with the different people in your life. That is the other added benefit of listening. You learn how to manage relationships better because you know more about that person and can better adapt your messages and responses and create your boundaries.

I have a Ph.D. in communication, and listening is something I need to and still work on daily. I promise you, that if you take more time to listen, you will quickly see its benefits. Practicing good listening is a preventative measure. This will save you time and money in the long run because you are stopping ‘people’s problems’ before they happen. Poor listening skills can be a catalyst to chaos. Though my time with my ex-boss was stressful, I learned what I never wanted to be like as an effective leader. This is why I teach listening skills; it has an immediate positive outcome no matter the relationship or situation. Communication and listening change everything.

Dr. Michael Burns is a professor, trainer, consultant, and coach passionate about human communication. With a Ph.D. in the field, he blends academic research with practical experience to help people and organizations improve their communication skills—key for success in all areas of life.

He loves bringing the classroom to the industry and has worked with companies and people worldwide. As the founder of Burns Learning, he collaborates with diverse leaders to re-humanize their businesses and lives through impactful communication skills.

Dr. Burns continues his love for teaching by leading courses for our new Lupa Career Accelerator program, supporting Latin American professionals in their search for better job opportunities in the U.S.